The holidays are over. It almost seemed like it was a month long marathon for me this year. Now we are already 1 week into the new year. I'll admit, I don't watch a LOT of TV, but it is definitely something I do for an hour or two every night and all I see on TV and online is how to meet your goals for the new year; especially, the most popular, being more healthy. A show we typically watch that's not "health conscious" at all even had their first episode titled, "Healthy options." My husband was instantly voicing his opinion of why everything on tv is becoming so health conscious. I interjected that it's the new year and that's just what happens every January since I can remember. He laughed and said, "Oh yeah, I get it. Everyone's been binging for the holidays so now they have to go to the other extreme and be super healthy. It'll all be back to normal in a few months."
I have to admit, I fell into this trap myself by sitting down and writing out my goals for the year. This isn't even something I traditionally do in January but felt like it is a good time of "renewal" and an easy time to start doing something I've been thinking about implementing or changing in the past few months. I soon realized I have a LOT of goals. Of course, I justified the amount by doing multiple things to them. First, I grouped them into professional and personal. Then I grouped them into "short-term, easy to implement" and "long-term, hard to implement." After doing this, I kind of laughed because I pretty much realized which goals I would probably not do very well at. I'm sure you could guess... yup, "long-term, hard to implement." In other words, "I'm not really looking forward to implementing these goals but I know it would be good for me."
I had heard it was a good idea to share your goals with people in order to have more accountability. A family member asked
me about my goals for the new year before I even had to bring it up. After rattling off my list, she stated I may have too many and I also need to think about narrowing my focus to what I really want and what I might not be able to acheive. I didn't like this response. I tried to explain my view on goals may differ from hers so I thought I'd share it here and see what you guys think. I believe in setting some fluid goals. It gives me somewhat of a general focus of what I want. As I begin to impliment them I realize what works and what doesn't work and I change them, some even on a weekly basis. Almost as if they are a working hypothesis of what I want Rachael to be. Through trial and error I realize the goal doesn't fit or I'm not quite willing or ready to make that change. Is this a bad way to set goals? Am I selling myself short or underestimating myself? I'll admit, I struggle with feeling like I'm good enough or am incapable of meeting my high expectations I set for myself so maybe I don't want to let myself down so I adjust the goal? Or is this me building my confidence along the way?
Thanksgiving is two days away and I've been trying to focus on being more thankful all week. Sometimes it's difficult because I long to have my family closer to me so my husband, daughter, and I could go on a thanksgiving dinner marathon, house to house to house, celebrating with all the family we have been so blessed with. It's easy to fixate on the things that are not going well. Doing this will not only cause you to be unhappy, but it may make you eat more than you need to as well. In 2003, a study was conducted to examine the link between thankfulness and a person's well-being. 192 students were split into three groups called the gratitude group, the hassle group, and the neutral group. After ten weeks of journaling what each group was specified to journal, the gratitude group expressed feeling more positively about their lives, were 25% happier, exercised more, and reached out to help others more than the hassle group. What did they journal, you ask? They were prompted to journal five things they were grateful for each week. Sounds easy enough.
I remember a friend of mine I used to run with about once a week would prompt me to do this with her as well. I found it to be quite difficult! I had always thought of myself as a positive person so I was quickly frustrated that I was having such a hard time with this. My friend stated that they didn't always have to be big things but could be the little things too, such as enjoying a quiet drive to work in the morning or my favorite song playing on the radio when my alarm went off. I also found that hearing what she was grateful for lightened my mood as well.
A past client of mine had been encouraged to try this in order to help her refocus her thoughts on something more positive.
I wanted to help her realize there weren't always bad things happening to her, she was just choosing to only see the bad of every situation. She was very crafty and had created a "gratitude journal" in order to keep everything she was thankful for in one place. One week, she brought one in for me. She stated it was very difficult but got the point and I should try doing it. I had just finished reading the book, One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, so I decided I would shoot for one thousand things in my gratitude journal. I haven't finished it yet. Honestly, I think it got tucked away when I was in tornado cleaning mode before company came over. But, based on this study, I think I will hunt it down and get going on it again so I can be oozing out gratitude and thankfulness by the time Thanksgiving rolls by. I'm sure it can't hurt to be thankful during Christmas and New Year's either.
p.s. Feel free to check out the article I read about the study here:
Today is a very big day for my family, especially my grandpa, because my grandma is being moved to an assisted living facility. My grandma has been struggling with Alzheimer’s for, at least, the last 7 years. I remember the first time I thought something was a little off. It wasn’t even a big deal but for my grandma, who is typically VERY sharp, it was out of the ordinary. My immediate family and my grandparents had made the trip from California to Michigan to see me graduate from Calvin College. We had decided to get together for dinner at my aunt and uncle’s house so we could spend some quality time together away from the hustle and bustle of graduation. I was sitting in the kitchen chatting with my aunt while she was getting a lettuce salad prepared. My grandma walked in and started stating how that wasn’t a salad. She was very confused about what was being prepared in the kitchen. When questioned, she initially fought it as if she knew she was right; however, that soon faded when everyone’s faces began to wash over with confusion. She soon gave up and walked out of the room. I thought about that day for a while but soon it faded. This was the first of many early signs that my grandma was being attacked by the ugly disease of Alzheimer’s.
A few years later, it was very apparent what she was dealing with. I began consuming myself it reading about it and educating myself about the progression of Alzheimer’s and some tips of how best to interact with someone at different stages of Alzheimer’s. I soon called my grandpa to talk to him about it after I read the book, Still Alice. This book is a story
from the point of view of a person with Alzheimer’s, how it affected her life and her entire families’lives. Thankfully, this began a blooming relationship with my grandpa. Our family seemed to struggle with the acceptance that this was happening to the matriarch of our family. I can’t say I didn’t deal with these feelings, but I was more concerned with my grandpa, as he is not one to express his emotions and I knew he would do everything he could, no matter what, to take amazing care of my grandma, his wife of SO many years.
The same reason I was concerned for him is the exact reason why I find it important to discuss the main topic of my blog post. It’s not only Alzheimer’s awareness month, but it is also family caregiver’s month as well. So often the caregiver is overlooked as the focus is always on the declining health of the person with the disease. The latest statistics calculate that $400 billion of in-kind care is provided annually by family caregivers. An equally staggering number is the amount of family and professional caregivers that are succumbing before their loved ones or clients. Caregiver burnout is a state of exhaustion – mentally, physically, and emotionally. Burnout can occur when caregivers don’t get the help they need, or if they try to do more than they are physically or financially able. Years can be taken off of a caregiver’s lifespan unless the caregiver can become more aware, change their perspective of becoming a martyr, pay attention to their own body and spirit, and gain energy through seeking help and reducing their anxiety. Jamie Huysman, a caregiving and addiction specialist, coined it best by saying that “Caregiving is a marathon, not a sprint. It requires that before caregiving you extend care to yourself. Only then will you the energy and spiritual strength to effectively care for another.”
As a counselor, I know the importance of self-care. People come in and tell you all about the issues they are facing in their
lives and clue you in to some of the terrible life experiences they have encountered. If a counselor was not good at self-care, they would take the emotional and mental pain from their client’s home with them. Mother Teresa states, “To keep a lamp burning, we have to keep putting oil in it.” Begin celebrating Family Caregiver month today by checking in on your loved ones that are caregivers or checking the health of yourself if you are a caregiver. Reach out by calling a counselor,
finding area resources, find and spend time with friends, do something enjoyable like a hobby, meditate, or treat yourself to a pamper day. The more you care for yourself, the better you will be able to care for those around you.
I have heard throughout my life, in different ways, "You are only as good as you think you are." A lot of our outcomes in life depend on how confident we are in the situations we encounter. If we are confident about ourselves when we meet new people, we may come out with some new friends or at least enjoyed ourselves while there. If we are confident about our abilities in a sport, we are more likely to play better. If I am confident in the counseling issue I am treating, I usually get better outcomes and the client has more confidence in me too. Here is an article that talks about the payoffs we can gain in different areas of our lives by valuing ourselves more. Check it out! I'd love to know your thoughts about this topic.
Recently, I finished reading a book called Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst. The main point of this book is talking about how we fill voids that we are feeling with food instead of things that will give us lasting fullness, like God. I really enjoyed reading this book because of the personal story she shares with you. What really stood out is how she shares her deep inner thoughts to the world, which hardly any of us EVER share with our family and friends, let alone strangers. Sadly, most of our deep inner thoughts tend to beat us down till we're the size of micromachines. We wonder why we don't have any self-worth. We go around looking for anyone or anything to give it to us so we'll feel good about ourselves again. Unfortunately, this doesn't seem to work and if it does, it definitely doesn't last. Rather than looking for self-worth outside of ourselves, we should learn how to find it within ourselves. See if this quote from the book describes how you treat yourself.
“We like to identify our shortcomings, form them into a club, and mentally beat the tar out of ourselves. Over and
over and over again. We label ourselves and soon lose our real identity to the beaten and bruised fragility we call
“me.” We compare, we assume, we assess, we measure, and most times walk away shaking our head at how
woefully short our “me” falls when compared to everyone else. How dangerous it is to hold up to the intimate
knowledge of our imperfections against the outside packaging of others.”
I know finding self-worth is not easy, but I'm sure it'd be a lot easier if we weren't beating ourselves up and constantly comparing ourselves to others when we are all meant to be so different. I'd love to hear some of your ideas of where you find your self-worth.
Rachael Kool, professional counselor and normal, everyday adult screw up